Dear Old Friend

A letter to a complicated friendship

Dear Old Friend;

You crossed my mind the other day, and I wanted to tell you something.

It’s been good to forget about you.

I know, I know—I was part of the problem. I always felt like I had to please you; I had to say the right thing, or act a certain way, in order to have and hold your approval and attention. I couldn’t be myself around you. I’m not sure where that stricture came from, and it’s not your fault.

It wasn’t just me, however—it was you too.

Photo by Johannes Plenio on Unsplash

We used to belong to a group, and I saw those photos on social media of everyone enjoying being together at your house—everyone, except for me. That was a rough one. In the moment I hated the medium, for showing me something I didn’t want to see, and myself, for looking.

It was like 8th grade, all over again. Who’s in. Who’s out. Why me. But, being older now, I know everybody only has so much energy to give, including me. I get it. So I decided to take myself out of the picture, officially. Because engaging in social media in order to keep tabs on a waning friendship feels like rubbing salt on a cut.

I wondered what would happen when I ceased interacting and communicating with you. Would I then become the hurtful person? Would you call me out directly and say Hey, what’s going on? Why did you drop me?

But you didn’t. When I stopped reaching out, there came only quiet in return.

I don’t know why or when being friends with me became more than you could carry. I’ll never know. I look at myself and figure I’ve probably stepped away from people in the same way and left them wondering what happened.

Our friendship had some good days, yet the season for it has passed. And that’s okay. I don’t want to only live in summer, or winter. I like the changing of seasons.

Sincerely,

Me